On Self-Deception

"Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are our own fears." - Rudyard Kipling

Your life will improve only when you take small chances. The first and most difficult chance you can take is to be honest with yourself. This may sound strange and absurd as you may think that no one would lie to themselves. But let's take a closer look at this.

What do you call it when you know what needs to be done, yet you don't do it? When you tell yourself that something cannot be done, while deep down you know that you are just afraid of doing it? What do you call it when you know that a job you're in is draining your energy and drive, yet you still drag yourself every morning, showing up like a zombie and pretending everything is all right, while wishing you could just leave? What do you call it when you look at the person you're in a relationship with and no longer feel the connection that once was there, yet you still hold on to that relationship even though it has become toxic for both of you?

Why is it that you know you must take action, make a change, and yet you don't? Do you find yourself giving excuses and justifications for why this situation cannot be changed? Isn't this synonymous with lying to yourself when you believe your own excuses, while deep down a part of you knows that you are simply afraid of the change? When you do that, who are you deceiving other than yourself?

Self-deception is often a defense mechanism we use to stop ourselves from facing painful truths. Yet, those who lie to themselves and listen to their own lies come to a point where they cannot distinguish the truth within or around themselves. It is, in a way, a denial of reality, and sooner or later, a reality denied will come back to haunt you.

Stopping self-deception starts with facing the part of you that deploys the smoke screens you hide behind when you are afraid. Acknowledging your fears is the first step in overcoming them.

What are you really afraid of? Apart from the instinctive and hardwired fear of death that we share with all other species, humans have developed two fears that are at the core of all our anxieties and apprehensions: the fear of not being loved and the fear of not being good enough.

Think about it: when you know you should walk away from a toxic relationship and you don't, what really stops you? Isn't it the fear of not finding love somewhere else? When someone leaves you, doesn't that trigger the feeling that you are not worthy of love? When you hate your job and wish you could follow your own passion and do what you love, what stops you? Why don't you just resign and start doing what you really want? Isn't it the fear that you may not be good enough to succeed in your new endeavor? Doesn't that trigger your fear of failure?

How painful are those feelings? Pretty painful, aren't they? Painful enough to make you want to avoid facing such pain at any cost, even if that means weaving a web of lies, excuses, and justifications around the situation, making deceiving yourself a lesser price to pay than enduring the pain of facing your fear.

There's nothing wrong with being afraid; yet, not admitting it is cheating yourself out of your true desires. When you lie to yourself, you deny yourself your potential. What are some of the lies you tell yourself that you have told so often the truth has become blurred and unrecognizable? Do you tell yourself that you are too young or too old to take chances? Do you accept beliefs simply because they fit and justify your view of reality, a view that is blurred by fears? What must you do to overcome those fears?

Being honest with yourself about the true nature of your fears is the first step in overcoming them. There are no secrets to eliminating your fears, only simple, though not easy, formulas: The only way to be certain of being loved is to give love, unconditionally. The only way to become good at anything is to get started and learn as you go. The good news is that you can start at any time. Why not today?