Skeletons in the Closet

"Everything has been written. Everybody knows everything about me. There are no secrets. Except the skeletons in my closet." - Kirby Puckett

Growing up as a human being has not been all too easy, has it? We had our moments of pride and other moments where we felt so ashamed of something that we said or did. Some of us use this as just another mistake that can teach us better ways, while for others, it could be a reason for self-reprimand and shame, which we would want to hide at any cost from the rest of the world so they wouldn't judge, reject, or stigmatize us. This discreditable or embarrassing fact that we wish to keep secret becomes what is called a "skeleton in the closet," a well-kept secret that we wouldn't share with anyone, including, and sometimes especially, the people who are closest to us.

These skeletons may be secrets, experiences, thoughts, or feelings we have hidden so deep and guarded so well that they become a part of our identity. A secretive identity is hardly conducive to open and meaningful communication when we have so much to hide and a strong fear of having our secrets disclosed. Paradoxically, the secrets that we hide out of fear of judgment and disapproval from others become the prison that we lock ourselves in. As the saying goes: "Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets."

Am I suggesting that you should come out and reveal each and every secret you have to everyone around you? Of course not. What I am suggesting is that keeping things that made you feel ashamed secret will only serve to damage your own well-being and self-esteem. This will intentionally put a distance between you and your loved ones or those who matter in your life who, if given the chance, not only will not judge you but will empathize with you and help you make that skeleton go away.

In my communication skills workshops, I teach the Johari Window model that suggests an open model for communication to help you get the best results from your relationships with the most important people in your life. In brief, the model suggests that there are things we know about ourselves that others already know and things that we know but hide from others. There are also things that others know about us that we seem ignorant about and, lastly, there are unconscious things that neither you nor others know about you. This creates a matrix of four quadrants (hence the window analogy) representing four areas: the open, the blind, the hidden, and the unknown.

The model also suggests that the open area is the most important quadrant because, generally, the more people know about each other, the more productive, cooperative, and effective they'll be when working together. The open area becomes larger in two ways: the first is to get feedback from others, feedback that you may not be aware of as it may be in your blind area. The second is to voluntarily disclose private information, the kind that generates anxiety and fear when you attempt to.

As part of the workshop transformation tools, I ask attendees to stand up in front of a room full of colleagues and sometimes total strangers and disclose one of their hidden secrets. When they do, after a short period of hesitation, they invariably report a great sense of relief. The best part is the amount of compassion and understanding they get from the other attendees, who then are encouraged to learn that everyone has secrets that burden their psyche. They, in turn, come up and disclose their own hidden secrets, resulting in greater interpersonal intimacy, understanding, and friendship. Somehow all judgment is suspended, and a great sense of communality and oneness sets in.

How about you? How many skeletons are there in your closet? How long have they been there? Who are the people in your life to whom disclosing those secrets would result in a better and more beneficial relationship? What stops you from sharing those secrets with them? It is fear, isn't it? The bad news is that if we do not clean the closet, it will fester, and the secret might eventually get revealed in ways that could lead to major misunderstandings and discord. Wouldn't it be better if you decide to disclose them to the right and important people in your life on your own terms? What are you waiting for? Do you really believe that they do not have skeletons in their closets? That their lives have been all too perfect, unlike yours? Would you say that disclosing to close ones will help create a safe environment also for them to come clean? Don't you think you owe them that? Don't you owe it to yourself? I know this is easier said than done, and the only way to make it easier is, paradoxically, to go ahead and do it. Would you?